“Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir”


Toby
Ladies and Gentlemen!
May I have your attention please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair…
What ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
From now on you can waken at ease!
You need never again have a worry or care,
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare!
Gentlemen, you are about to see something what rose from the dead–!
…On the top of my head!

Twas Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir
That’s what did the trick, sir,
True, sir, true.
Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir!
Just like an elixir ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed!

Does Pirelli’s stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir, ’tis unique.
Rub a minute – stimulatin’, in’it?
Soon you’ll have to thin it once a week!

Sweeney Todd
Pardon me, ma’am, what’s that awful stench?

Mrs. Lovett
Are we standing near an open trench?

Sweeney Todd (simultaneously)
Are we standing near an open trench?

Mrs. Lovett (simultaneously)
Pardon me, sir, what’s that awful stench?

Toby
Buy Pirelli’s Miracle elixir
Anything wot’s slick, sir,
Soon sprouts curls.
Try Pirelli’s; when they see how thick, sir,
You can have your pick, sir, of the girls!

Toby
Wanna buy a bottle, missus?

Sweeney Todd
What is this?

Mrs. Lovett
What is this?

Sweeney Todd
Smells like piss…

Mrs. Lovett
Smells like “EW!”

Sweeney Todd
Looks like piss…

Mrs. Lovett (simultaneously)
Wouldn’t touch it if I were you, dear!

Sweeney Todd (simultaneously)
This is piss, piss with ink.

Toby
Let Pirelli’s activate your roots, sir–

Sweeney Todd
Keep it off your boots, sir! Eats right through!

Toby
YES, get Pirelli’s, use a bottle of it; ladies seem to love it–

Mrs. Lovett
–Flies do to!